The Shipping Wars
by FrozenOrange
Summary: Adrien is strictly Team Ladynoir. Alya makes Marinette a twitter sensation. Nino is having way too much fun with this. And Marinette has a headache and is this close to killing all three of her friends. Crackfic with reveals. You have been warned. Ch.3:Hawkmoth also ships Ladynoir and Ladybug is not amused
1. The one where war is declared

**Shipping Wars**

 **This was an accident a swear.**

* * *

"Marinette! Marinette! Did you see my latest blog post? " Alya literally ran into her best friend, nearly spilling the cup of coffee the petite girl was nursing.

"Hey Alya, I'm doing good, thanks for asking." Marinette replied, teasing her friend slightly. They began to walk towards their first class together.

Alya giggled, "Sorry, sorry. You know I care girl, how are things?"

Marinette smiled at her friend, " 'Things' are great. And from the looks of it, your 'things' seem to be pretty exciting…"

"Well, I added this feature to the Ladyblog, where fans can submit their own fan art and whatnot, and I got so many Ladynoir submissions…"

"Woah, woah, what's Ladynoir? " Marinette interrupted, slightly confused by the unfamiliar term. They had reached their classroom door, and made their way to their usual seats. Marinette reddened slightly seeing that Nino and _Adrien,_ were already there.

Alya sighed, "Babe, I'm your best friend. At least pretend to care about my obsession with Ladybug and Chat Noir. I can't believe you don't know what Ladynoir is! It's only the shipping name for Ladybug and Chat Noir!" Her face grew excited again, "Anyway, there were so many great fan submissions of Ladynoir art, that I've decided to do a #LadynoirLove tag each Sunday night! Yesterday night was the first time I tried it, where I posted my favorite artworks… Oh my god, Marinette, the response was incredible! I can't believe how many people in Paris actually ship Ladynoir!"

Marinette had stiffened sometime during her friend's excited rambling. People thought that she and Chat Noir were an ITeM?! But-but they were partners! Just partners!

"-Mari are you even listening?"

"Yeah, sorry, I just got distracted. I mean, I don't really think they feel that way about each other. It's just a partnership right?"

At this point, both Nino and Adrien had turned around, and Marinette noticed that Adrien's ears and nose were slightly red. Maybe he had a cold?

Alya sputtered, "What do you mean 'just a partnership'? Anyone can see the chemistry between them!"

Marinette shook her head stubbornly. "Nope, I'm pretty sure they're just friends. I mean, I've talked to both Ladybug and Chat Noir, and their relationship seems strictly platonic."

"Alya, I think Ladynoir is totally a thing!" Marinette froze, staring at Adrien as she realized what he said, and reddened even more.

Great! Now the boy she liked thought that she was a thing with someone else! Not that he knew that he was thinking about her, or that he even knew that she liked him, but it was the principle of the matter!

"See, even sunshine child over here can practically see the sexual tension boiling between Paris's two superheroes. " Alya animatedly waved her hands around.

Oh dieu, Marinette was about to explode from frustration!

"What sexual tension! Just because Chat Noir is a massive flirt doesn't mean that they have feelings or ANYTHING for each other!"

Alya smirked, "My, my, Marinette, who knew you could be so passionate about things you claim to know nothing about…"

At this point, Nino butt in, "I actually kinda agree with Mari here. I mean, we don't really know the superheroes well enough to actually assume anything. Didn't they say something about not knowing each other's identities in your interviews?"

Alya scratched her chin, "Yeah I guess… but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Well what kind of dude would fall in love with a chick when he doesn't even know her name?"

Marinette grinned triumphantly. " Exactly! See, Nino gets it."

Adrien face was getting even redder. Scratch cold, he probably had a fever. "Who wouldn't fall in love with Ladybug? She's beautiful, brave, kind…just because he doesn't know her name doesn't mean he doesn't know the heart of the girl behind the mask!"

Now it was Alya's turn to grin triumphantly. "Awww, Adrien here totally is a fanboy of Ladybug!, "Adrien started sputtering, but Alya just crowed, "That's exactly why the hashtag is trending. Almost all of Paris sees the fact that Ladybug and Chat Noir are perfect for each other!"

Marinette just shook her head. "I still don't see it."

Nino nodded, "I'm with Mari here dudes."

Alya smirked. "Don't worry, Adrien and I will have you on Team Ladynoir in no time!"

"Wait, what do you mean Team? And what's with all this shipping anyway?" Marinette asked in confusion. Why was her love life of anyone's interest?

The blogger shrugged. "It's fun. I mean, you know those new superheroes, Queen Bee and Tortuga? Well, some people seem to ship Queen Bee and Ladybug, especially since the Bee said in an interview that she was gay." Alya tilted her head thoughtfully, "What was the ship name…LadyQueen…LadyBee…Oh!" she snapped her fingers, "Queen Bug!"

Marinette thought to the other blond in Paris's own group of superheroes. Queenie was bitchy, but also a total boss when it came to akuma fights. Too bad Marinette didn't swing that way. And also had a undying, unrequited love for the boy in front of her.

Alya continued, "That's the other main ship, and then there's some more combinations between all the superheroes, like the one between Chat Noir and Tortuga, which is interesting if you ask me, because those two don't really interact at all. I actually have no idea which way the Turtle swings."

Nino nearly choked. Mari patted his back.

"Hmm, I just don't see much point in shipping when their love lives are their own decisions. Besides, I think they're all just partners. Like take Ladybug and Chat Noir. If they were interested romantically in each other, they would just distract each other in fights. Now that there are two more superheroes, its safer to get distracted I suppose, but Chat just doesn't seem like Ladybug's type."

Adrien almost looked offended. "What do you have against Chat Noir?! Did he do something to you?"

"Hah- Goodness no!" Marinette laughed, "I even worked with him for one mission. Nah, I just don't think Chat is serious when he flirts with Ladybug. And besides, both of them probably don't want to risk their friendship and ability to protect Paris by experimenting with a relationship that wouldn't work."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Adrien asked.

"I just don't see it, " Marinette firmly replied.

"Ugh, this is so frustrating! Those two are obviously meant to be!"

Marinette narrowed her eyes at the blonde, "Why are you so invested in their love lives? Ladybug likes someone else, she can't possibly have feelings for Chat!"

A silence descended as soon as she finished, and she realized her mistake too late.

Alya narrowed her eyes behind her square glasses, "Girl, how do you know who Ladybug likes…"

"Um, I -uh- I -gotta go bye!" Marinette grabbed her bag and raced out of the room. She knew that she should've just lied and said it was a hunch, but she didn't want them to think that Ladybug was available. (Even though she technically was, she was emotionally taken). But now, due to her inability to keep her mouth shut and her own selfishness, she had just given a major hint to those who were smart enough to think twice about her statement.

She glanced down the pink purse hanging by her side. As soon as she dashed into the bathroom, she clicked open the clasp and started crying. Tikki zoomed out and gently patted her face.

"There, there, it wasn't that bad."

"B-But, I just yelled at the l-love of my life -hic!- Tikki!" Marinette hiccupped. "And I'm sure that there's gonna be questions and – oh! I'm just so irresponsible! I shouldn't have -hic!- said anything!"

Tikki calmly pried Marinette's fingers from her face, and wiped her tears. Staring at her chosen with kindness, Tikki replied, "Oh Marinette, it's all going to be fine. Plenty of Ladybugs have been found out by their closest friends and family in the past. That's the worse possible outcome."

"Yeah, you're right, it's gonna be okay."

It was not okay.

The rest of the day, both Alya and Adrien seemed mad at her, and her poor heart couldn't take it anymore. Thankfully, Nino had been a great friend and had stuck to her side.

But then it got worse.

Because Alya and Adrien had decided to team up.

The very next day, both came in wearing Ladynoir merchandise (Marinette had no idea that that was even a thing, and had nearly had a heart attack). Alya had shoved a keychain with a ladybug, a cat, and a heart at Marinette.

"We're gonna get you onto Team Ladynoir in no time."

Alya then whispered into her ear, "I still haven't forgotten the whole 'Ladybug likes someone else' but we'll get to that."

Adrien had properly glared at Marinette the entire day. Marinette felt like crying.

Of course, Nino had thought the whole thing hilarious. The instant school let out, he dragged her to the nearest superhero boutique (seriously, how come Marinette had never realized just how large the fan base was?) and bought merchandise for both himself and Marinette.

Not Ladynoir merchandise. No, he had gone and bought Queen Bug merchandise.

The next day, Nino had forced her to change into a #Queen Bug shirt after school, before the four of them went to the café they frequented after school.

Alya glared at her. Adrien raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

But then, the game changed.

At the end of the day, Alya's demeanor had suddenly changed, and instead of anger, she had cozied back up to Marinette, who was too relieved to have her best friend back to feel suspicious.

So when Alya took a picture of her with the _#QueenBug_ shirt on, Marinette had thought very little of it.

It was when she got home she realized her mistake. She had opened up the Ladyblog, and her jaw dropped as she saw herself on the most recent post. But not her Ladybug self, her Marinette self.

Wearing that damn yellow and red shirt.

Thankfully her face wasn't in it, but nearly everything else was. It was a picture of her walking, her pink pocketbook and two pigtails visible. She had probably just turned to look at Alya, because her body was twisted in what would've been considered seductive if she had actually posed for it.

Her already open jaw completely unhinged when she read Alya's caption.

 _Hey fans! I have a request for you. My cute best friend M, as you can see, is NOT a Ladynoir shipper. This is an atrocity! We cannot stand to allow the best friend of the Ladyblogger ship anything besides Ladybug and Chat Noir. Whatever should we do? Are the #shipping wars on? Let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions. #ConvertLadyM_

She scrolled down to the comments.

 _LB4ever: Is she blind? The chemistry is totally there!_

 _ChatNoir1111: I can't believe ur bff doesn't ship LN! Just show her the interviews! The way Chat looks at her…I wish he looked at me that way_

 _superheroesbitch: lol whatta loser_

 _Staychattynoir: burn all her queen bug clothes rn_

Those weren't even the worse.

 _Guest: Wow she's cute_

 _Guest: hottiee. If only she shipped LN_

 _Geeksunite: that body tho_

 _Coffeeandchats_ : _Who is she? lol_

She groaned. This was so embarrassing!

She closed the tab, and her window was replaced with the tab of her secret Ladybug twitter account that had been up before.

Shit. She couldn't escape could she. Because in trending, not only was #LadynoirLove there, but also #shippingwars and worst of all #CovertLadyM.

She was a fucking hashtag. An internet meme.

Marinette was going to kill Alya.

This was war.

Not thinking rationally, she quickly made a new twitter account.

 ** _TheLadyM_** was quickly born.

She posted a quick picture of her in the shirt, cropping out her head, but leaving her pigtails.

 _ **TheLadyM** :_ Hey guys! This is the OFFICIAL account of LadyM _**Ladyblogger** ,_ you're on. #ConvertLadyM #shipping wars #NotmyShip #Ladybug #ChatNoir #QueenBee #Tortuga

 _ **Ladyblogger** :_ What's this? War? Team LadyNoir forever **_TheLadyM_**

 ** _TheLadyM:_** Let's play a game. Who's gonna convice me that Ladynoir is a thing? **_Ladyblogger_** not you #Youwont #ConvertLadyM #shippingwars

Her phone exploded.

She finally answered a call from Alya after the blogger kept on calling after Marinette ignored the first five calls.

"You bitch!"

"You started it! You posted a picture of me on your blog without asking me!"

"No one besides a couple of our friends knew it was you! And you were totally trending! You weren't supposed to go and make another account!"

"You shouldn't have tweeted at me then! Now your followers are following me. And harrasing me might I add!"

"Ladynoir is a thing!"

"Like I said, you're not going to be the one to convince me."

Suddenly, they both burst out laughing.

Marinette gasped out, "This is actually kinda funny."

Alya guffawed, "This is hilarious. I can't believe you actually made an account. I'm really sorry about that by the way. I shouldn't have posted it without your permission."

"It's fine. I don't actually mind too much right now. I never realized social media could be so fun!"

She didn't really use any of her personal accounts, and only used the Ladybug twitter when she had to.

"I've gotta go, my mom's calling me. But you're on Lady M."

The constant notifications from her phone became overwhelming, and eventually Marinette chucked it up onto her loft bed, and far far away from her.

She was so tired from the sudden popularity of Lady M the next day, that she didn't even realize when she walked straight into Adrien on her way into the classroom.

"You good there Mari?" His arms steadied her. Marinette blinked, as he had been giving her the silent treatment the past two days. He smirked, "Or should I say, Lady M?"

Her shock turned to annoyance. "Ugh. I forgot you saw me in that shirt."

"How could I forget the shirt that promotes the destruction of my OTP?"

Marinette frowned, "OTP?"

Adrien shook his head sadly, "Come on, M. If you're gonna be a twitter sensation, you're gonna need to know that OTP means One True Pair. Like I will die for Ladynoir to become canon."

"Canon?"

"Like real."

Marinette suddenly smiled, "Aha! So you admit that Ladynoir isn't a real thing!"

"Nope, it's definitely a real thing. I'm just waiting for the happy couple to confirm it."

"You're gonna need more than that to convince Lady M."

His smirk returned, "Oh I plan on winning your little game, my Lady."

She suddenly realized that the blond dunce who shipped Ladynoir was also her unrequited crush of two years. A blush spread across her face.

In a un-Adrien-y move, he bowed with a dramatic flair, and entered the classroom.

She nearly fainted.

Thank god for Nino and his ability to find everything amusing.

Maybe find everything a little too amusing. The minute she sat down, Nino twisted around.

"I'm going to be your official photographer LadyM!"

"Shhhh! Not everyone knows that's me."

The sudden realization that she now had two secret identities settled in.

"Your secret is safe with me!"

Marinette suddenly realized what he said, "Why do I need an official photographer?"

"Well, you can't keep posting selfies without your face. Haven't you been following your hashtag? People want to know who Lady M is! I'll take photos, but I'll keep your face out of it, it's gonna add to the mystery! Dude, you do not understand how much of a trend you are right now, as one of the few people who don't ship Ladynoir apparently." Why was Nino so amused?

Marinette felt uneasy. But Nino looked so excited. "Fine! Keep my face out of it. Oh and anything identifying."

Nino pumped his fist in the air. "Yes! I'm almost as cool as you Alya! I get to take photos of a celebrity too!"

Adrien lightly pushed his friend's arm. "Aren't I a celebrity?" he joked.

Nino shrugged, "You're old news. Lady M, well she's like the mystery of Ladybug, only brand new!"

Alya, who had been observing the conversation, spoke up, "Guess we have a new team. TeamLadyM!"

"OMG, LadyM! I think she's so cool!" A new voice butted in.

The foursome swiveled around and stared at Chloe. She shrugged, "What? I ship Queen Bug myself, and to have someone speak out for the minority is greatly appreciated!"

Marinette found it weird that Chloe was agreeing with her, albeit indirectly.

Alya turned her attention to Marinette. "Oh it is so on."

Right as the Mlle. Bustier walked in, Alya yelled, "Team Ladynoir forever!"

"Alya, I'd prefer if we kept the shipping war out of my classroom. Though I do agree with that statement"

The blogger stared wide eyed at her favorite teacher. "Yes Mlle. Bustier."

Marinette sank farther into her seat.

The rest of the day passed relatively smoothly, peppered with only a few arguments about Paris' superheroes.

Then patrol came.

It was really, really, awkward, especially since it had just been her and Chat Noir at first.

Ladybug hadn't seen Chat Noir since the whole Ladynoir nonsense started. It was weird thinking that they could ever be romantic partners.

Chat seemed more invasive of her personal space than before, throwing arms around her shoulders, and brushing her elbow every once in awhile.

Then Queen Bee had arrived.

"Look you mangy cat! She has absolutely no interest in you, stop molesting her!"

Chat sputtered, "WH-I'M NOT MOLESTING HER YOU!"

Queenie shrugged, "You're making her uncomfortable." Grinning, she sidled up to Ladybug and pulled her close to her side. Ladybug stiffened in confusion.

"You despicable bug, Ladybug obviously likes me better." Chat pulled her out of Queenie's grasp and into his arms protectively. Ladybug struggled, confusion only growing.

"Oh, you poor chaton, "Queenie mocked, "Ladynoir is no longer a thing. Just look at twitter, Queen Bug is totally trending now!"

Ladybug could've slapped her face in frustration. Of course. The stupid shipping war. It had gotten to the superheroes themselves. Which she should've expected because they were normal civilians most of the time, just like her.

"I don't give a shit what that LadyM says, Ladynoir is totally a thing!"

"I think LadyM is a hero in her own way, standing up to all you oppressive Ladynoir shippers!"

God, they were just like – her and Adrien actually.

Tortuga's deep mellow voice surprised them, "Wow, you're actually talking about yourselves. Like you're shipping yourselves."

The two superheroes, who had been pulling Ladybug back and forth, suddenly stopped, and blushed.

Tortuga laughed. " This is the funniest thing I've seen in forever! Oh-god! I can't believe my friend started all of this. I'll have to congratulate Lady M when I see her again."

The black, red, and yellow superheroes all froze.

"You know Lady M?!-"

"What do you mean friends?-"

"Wait-I'm friends with Lady M…-"

Ladybug and Queen Bee turned towards Chat Noir, who suddenly realized what he just said.

Queen Bee stalked up to the two guys. "Are you both friends with Lady M? How do you know?" she whipped to face Chat, "Wait, your friend ships me and Lady! Not you and Lady!" she crowed triumphantly.

"That's because she has no idea what she's talking about!"

"Hey don't talk about Mar-Lady M that way! Who are you anyway?" Tortuga defended her.

Yeah, who were they anyway.

Marinette's brain hurt.

"Your friend thinks I'm better than you!" Queenie continued to taunt the cat.

"No she doesn't! She definitely thinks I'm cooler!"

Queenie smirked, "Then how come she ships Queen Bug, huh?"

Tortuga sighed, "She doesn't really ship Queen Bug, I actually got her that shirt. I thought it was funny because our best friends are the most avid Ladynoir shippers and she was annoyed at them for that.."

Silence. Then -

"What do you mean she doesn't ship Queen Bug?-"

"Why would she be annoyed at the best ship in the entire world?-"

Ladybug froze, forgotten by the bickering and yelling superheroes. _Tortuga_ had gotten her that shirt? But Nino-

Nino.

-had gotten her that shirt.

This was why he found it so funny. He knew her, Ladybug her, andl Chat and Queenie, oh god she was going to kill him – but he didn't know that she knew because Ladybug knew, not Lady M or Marinette_ but Ladybug wouldn't have known if she wasn't Lady M and Marinette – and Chat knew her too?– oh Marinette's head hurt and they were still yelling – why couldn't they just –

"Shut up!"

The other three turned to her, as if just remembering that Ladybug was still there.

She unhooked her yoyo.

"That's it, I'm out."

She threw her yoyo across the building and swung away.

"No! Come back! I'll prove to you that I love you more than Queen bitch does!"

"Who are you calling a bitch, you mangy cat! Ladybug, I'm ready to go steady with you whenever you are."

Tortuga-no Nino's- laughter chased after her, louder than the screeches of two annoying miraculous users.

She didn't know who out of her goddamn friend group she blamed more.

Nino for being– well not counting the whole Turtle miraculous thing, it was his fault she had that shirt anyway, and became Lady M –

No, she could blame Alya for that, freaking competitive demonic blogger. It's not like Ladynoir was that important. And she didn't even hate it she just found it annoying that Adrien –

Nope, definitely Adrien's fault. For being so goddamn perfect, but shipping her with another guy! You're not supposed to do that to the girl that has a secret crush on you!

Even his beauty wouldn't save him from her wrath.

On second thought, all three of them would have to go.

* * *

 **Lol, not the direction I was going in. But I thought it ended up being pretty funny.**

 **In case anyone was confused:**

 **Tortuga = Nino**

 **Queen Bee = Chloe**

 **No fox miraculous user in this one!**

 **Hope you enjoyed it! FrozenOrange**


	2. The one where Marinette is broken

**This had originally been a oneshot, but there was a surprising number of follows and calls for continuation. To be honest, I wasn't quite sure where to go, but this popped up in my head randomly. Basically Marinette freaking out and discovering some things that should've stayed secret.**

* * *

Nino–

–was Tortuga.

Chat Noir–

–somehow knew Lady M. Which meant he knew Marinette, who was also Ladybug.

Marinette–

–'s brain really hurt.

She didn't know if she could go to school the next day.

But in the end, she decided to suck it up and deal with–well everything.

That didn't mean she wasn't scared about seeing her friends again. Actually, she was more pissed off than anything.

She had no idea what to do with the situation anymore. It had quickly spiraled out of control, like a story whose author needed to accelerate the plot without knowing which direction to go in.

But, she was Ladybug. Even if her friends didn't know, even if she herself forgot sometimes, she was Ladybug, protector of Paris, and as of last night, only sane superhero in the city of Paris.

She'd be damned if she let her crazy friends and superhero partners drive her insane.

(Tikki would later attest that Marinette was already driven insane at this point)

Her thoughts and worries and confusion swirled around in her, and she didn't even realize what was wrong until she arrived at school.

Her hair.

She had forgotten to put it up.

She self consciously reached up to pat at her loose curls. She'd worn them in pigtails since she'd gotten her long tresses chopped the year before.

Marinette shook her head, and her black hair swirled around. She had to focus on the task at hand.

What task, she wasn't sure, but her emotionally riled up brain didn't pause to think about that.

She was early that particular day, which never happened, but she was a girl on a mission. She plopped herself down on the steps of the school to wait for the others.

The first one to arrive was Nino.

He was making his way up the street when Marinette caught sight of him. The tan boy was nodding his head to whatever music was coming out of his headphones, oblivious to the coming storm that was Marinette Dupain-Cheng's wrath.

He turned into the courtyard, and Marinette stalked up to him. His eyes widened comically as he saw the petite half-asian barreling towards him, and he hesitantly pulled his headphones off. Her grim appearance caused him to stutter in surprise.

"He-Hey Marinette! You're early today. Like real early. As in why the heck are you here already, you've barely ever been on time. W-wait, your hair-it's down." He sounded shocked.

Marinette didn't answer. She was glaring at him, hip cocked to the side, eyes narrowed.

Nino gulped nervously.

Tilting her head, Marinette scrutinized him. If she squinted hard enough, pretended that there was a green hood around his head instead of his ridiculous red cap, maybe–just maybe, she could see it.

She held her hands up to his face, not paying attention the confused and worried look Nino was throwing her. Holding her hands in two circles, she held her 'mask' in front of his eyes and glared.

Yup. Nino was the goddamn turtle miraculous holder.

Which really made zero sense to Marinette, because the turtle miraculous was supposed to represent wisdom and patience, not amusement at his friend's suffering.

Marinette threw her hands up in exasperation, turned around, and stalked back to where she was sitting before, still having not said a single word to Nino.

Nino followed her cautiously, and prodded at her side.

She glared even harder, and tilted her body away from him. He was Tortuga! And he never acted like it! He kept such a big secret from them, and here he was never giving a single indication that he was moonlighting as one fourth of Paris's quartet of heroes.

Her hypocritical thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Alya.

"Dude, thank god you're here. I think Mari's broken." Nino desperately grabbed at the blogger's arm, and put her in between him and Marinette.

Alya let out a noise of amusement.

He whispered dramatically, "I think she might've been akumatised! She hasn't said a word to me, she's glaring–She never glares Alya!–and she's wearing her hair down."

Marinette glared even harder.

Stupid Turtle.

Alya waved a hand in front of her face. Marinette barely saw her.

She bared her teeth at Nino.

Nino turned tail and ran.

Unfortunately for him, Adrien had just started making his way over to them, and Nino full on collided with him.

"Nino, dude! Are you okay? I expect things like that out of Mari, but you're usually so calm. Not that Mari isn't calm, she's just a little more prone to collisions…," Adrien helped his best friend back up.

Nino hid behind him. "Mari's been akumatised. Or something–," he mumbled, but Adrien didn't hear the rest.

He dropped his bag and ran over to Marinette, nearly knocking over Nino again.

He grabbed Marinette's shoulders and shook her hard. "Marinette! You can't be akumatised, you're always so happy! Unless we're talking about the whole shipping thing, and I'm really sorry that I was so mean to you about it that was stupid of me. But please be okay–Oh, no! She's not wearing pigtails she's been akumatised hasn't she, oh god–I uh–I have to go, I'm sorry–,"

Marinette, normally who would've swooned due to the fact that Adrien was touching her, was still so out of it that she barely realized that her crush was basically coddling her.

Alya patted Adrien, "I'm sure she's not akumatised. She hasn't said anything yet. I think she's just really mad at Nino for something," Alya brightened, and her grin turned cheeky, "Maybe she finally realized that the shirt Nino bought for her is total bullshit!"

Marinette turned her glare to Alya.

Stupid.

Ship.

Ping.

"On second thought, maybe she is akumatised," Alya said nervously, and started backing away, "Girl, ya know, you're scary when ya glare."

Ships were stupid. Just let them drown for god's sake.

She would've lived in blissful ignorance of Nino's alter-ego, or the fact that Chat knew her–knew her!– if Alya hadn't started this stupid shipping thing.

The first bell rang, and she turned away from them, stalking up the stairs of the school, as she entered the building before class started for the first time in months.

The trio behind her shrugged helplessly at each other.

Alya whispered, "I guess we'll have to deal with Dark Marinette today. Dear God, I really hope she isn't akumatised, she's actually kind of scaring me."

The boys nodded, and they followed Dark Marinette into the school building.

Marinette was unaware of the caution of her friends, and made her way single-mindedly towards their classroom. As she stormed towards her seat, she nearly ran into Chloe.

"Ugh! Look at the trash today. Watch where you're going…" Chloe trailed off as Marinette turned her glare at her, and brushed past the blonde without a word. Chloe nearly peed her pants.

Alya, Nino, and Adrien filed in minutes after Marinette, and were surprised to find Marinette sitting calmly in her seat, and Chloe trembling in her own, leaning her body against Sabrina as if she was trying to get as far away from the aisle as possible.

Kim shuffled down to meet them. He whispered, "Dudes, I've never seen Marinette like this. Is she trying to develop a resting bitch face or something, because boy is she succeeding."

They could only shrug and makes their way into their respective seats.

There was still a couple minutes before class started, and everyone chattered as they pulled out their tablets and notebooks.

A thought suddenly occurred to Marinette.

She smirked evilly, and several of her classmates who witnessed the action would later claim that it had traumatized them.

She turned to Nino, who had been whispering to Alya and Adrien, and pasted on a wide smile.

The conspiring trio stopped at Marinette's sudden change.

"I was wondering if I should get a pet turtle. They're so cute." She narrowed her eyes at Nino.

He sputtered, and Adrien patted him on the back.

Alya raised an eyebrow, and held a hand up to Marinette's forehead. When she removed it, she frowned. "Okay…so you don't have a fever, but there's definitely something wrong."

Marinette's evil plan was just starting to form. "Oh, I've never felt better."

She thought of how Chat Noir had claimed to be friends with her–Lady M. But only a couple people knew she was Lady M. How odd.

She raised her voice so that it carried throughout the classroom. "I was thinking of getting a black cat, but I thought it would be too troublesome. But I guess turtles aren't completely innocent either. In fact, I would say that the whole situation was really the turtle's fault."

Her three friends looked slightly lost now. Adrien was slightly pale, and Nino's eyebrows looked like they would disappear of his forehead at any moment. Alya was just confused.

"Maybe I like bees the best, even if they do sting. Maybe that's why Queen Bug is better. She's annoying but at least she doesn't know me," Marinette mumbled the last part under her breath.

"What was that?" Nino asked, looking slightly worried.

Alya, who had always been the brightest of the group, suddenly caught on, "You-You're talking about the superheroes aren't you?"

Marinette ignored Alya's question and focused on her own.

Hmm…But who was Chat? Marinette turned her gaze towards her classmates. Only Nino, Adrien, and Alya knew her as Lady M…right?

Oh.

Oh no.

But–that–

–no it couldn't be–

Marinette let out a gasp, and nearly fell back in her chair. Alya helped steady her, but Marinette shrank away from her friend's gesture.

She knew who Chat Noir was!

It.

Could.

Only.

Be.

–ALYA.

How could she have missed it before! The obsession with Ladybug was there in both her civilian and superhero life.

Maybe the black cat miraculous drastically changed one's appearance. Marinette wasn't too concerned with that particular aspect of her theory.

Now, she only needed more evidence. She turned her gaze back to Nino. Might as well confirm two identities at once.

"AHHHHH…." All at once, the conversations in the room stopped.

"…Marinette, babe…are you okay?" Alya put her hand against Marinette's head, who only continued to wail.

"I-uh-I NEED the MIRACULOUS-yeah that's it–CHAT NOIR AND TORTUGA SHOW YOURSELF I MUST HAVE YOUR MIRACULOUS!"

Nino backed away, "Dudes, I told you Mari was akumatised. I wonder what happened…I gotta go though, I just remembered that I left my literature homework in my locker, Al, take care of her before Ladybug gets here alright?"He ran out the room.

Alya nodded and grabbed Marinette's arms, which had started flailing about. Marinette smirked internally, of course Alya would take 'care' of her, she was Chat Noir.

Adrien rushed after Nino, and minutes later, Chloe exclaimed, "Ugh–I can barely stand normal Marinette, I'm not gonna deal with weird akumatised Marinette either," and left the classroom.

But Alya wasn't leaving.

Marinette needed to confirm that Alya was Chat, but why wasn't the girl leaving?

She suddenly jumped up, and rushed on the classroom, sure that Alya would chase after and transform.

Not checking to see if her best friend was behind her, she ducked around a corner, just as she saw Chloe–

"Pollen, Stinger out!"

–Yellow sparkles.

Queen Bee?

Not the identity she was going after.

–Wait what? She–what? Alya–Chat–Chloe–Bee? Huh?

Marinette stared at the hero, who suddenly noticed her. She couldn't move. Her brain hurt.

How come two other superheroes were also in her class, like, what were the odds?

–Wait! How come Chloe go to be a hero, she was a terrible person! That wasn't fair at all!

Queen Bee ran up to Marinette, who was sliding halfway down the wall.

"Are you okay, Marinette?"

"Nghhh-bleheh…"

Another hand helped lift her up. A black, leather-clad one. "Um…Queenie? I think she's broken."

Chat.

At that exact moment, Alya came skidding around the corner, camera in hand, calling for Marinette.

She shook her head.

Alya.

Turn.

Chat.

Turn.

Alya.

So…Alya wasn't Chat?

Then…who else?

Not Nino, sneaky little turtle.

Not Alya, because well–she was right in front of her, next to Chat, and unless time travel had occurred, that was impossible.

So…

–Oh dear lord–

–Adrien.

Marinette fainted right then and there.

* * *

 **lol does anyone actually want me to continue? If you have any ideas, I totally would! Sorry if this wasn't what you were expecting, or if Marinette was a little too OOC for you, but hey, I felt like this was a perfectly reasonable way to react.**

 **Thanks, FroOrange.**


	3. The one with Ladybug's capslocky rage

**The Shipping Wars - The One With Ladybug's Capslocky Rage**

 **Warning: If you don't like Ladybug swearing like a motherf—ing sailor then I don't suggest reading the following.**

 **Warning 2: Pure, pure crack.**

* * *

Miles away, as a pigtailed girl fell in a dead faint in the middle of a school hallway, a lone masked figure was scrolling through his social media.

…Which was an entirely sophisticated and elegant thing to do as a villain. Honestly, it was just a good habit to keep track of the going-ons of his favorite nemeses…

So with the perfect amount of grace and aplomb, Hawkmoth eagerly–ugh, systematically– tapped through the most recent trending posts on Ladybug and Chat Noir.

And then, his screen was filled with an atrocity, a single picture taken by that surprisingly informative and professional Ladyblogger, which made him screech-ugh, yell in a manly way–

No.

It couldn't be.

He had worked so hard.

Hawkmoth chucked his phone to the side with a noise of disgust. A swarm of white butterflies scattered as the high-tech device hit the ground.

The evil miraculous holder clenched his hand in disgust. All his hard work, tossed aside like trash by a single meme.

A meme.

Laying neglected on the floor, the bright screen of his phone showed the trending image of a girl in a yellow and red shirt, black lettering proudly declaring _#QueenBug._

How dare a random civilian mess with his ultimate goal.

His OTP.

Ladynoir was canon. Well, he would make them canon.

And that bee and turtle, well, they were completely irrelevant. He didn't want their measly little miraculous when he could be a god with the ladybug and black cat ones, and to be honest, he could've cared less about what those two even did when he sent out his beautiful little akumas.

So why did this-this-random Lady M have to go and sink his ship!

It wasn't fair!

If Hawkmoth wasn't such a sophisticated and suave supervillain, he would've stomped his feet in frustration.

All he wanted, besides the teensy matter of acquiring the ultimate power of a god, was for Ladybug and Chat Noir to get together!

But as the Butterfly holder, it was his duty to manipulate emotions, not to become overwhelmed with them, no matter how rightly justified his anger was.

With clenched teeth, he beckoned one of his butterflies to him. Holding it in his palm, he watched as its wings turned a deep purple.

"Go seek out others like me…who thirst for justice in these dark, unsure times. An angry akuma will draw out Ladybug and Chat Noir, and we'll show the world that they belong together!"

With a flap of its wings, the butterfly took off.

Meanwhile…

Ugh…Marinette's brain hurt even more now.

She blinked groggily at the fluorescent lights.

It took her a good couple minutes to realize what exactly had happened.

Before she had fainted away…

Eyes widening, she grabbed an arm (it was Alya's but Marinette didn't even notice) and screamed.

"Mari, Mari…" her best friend's voice became clearer as the ringing in Marinette's head, along with her own vocal screams, died down. "Mari, hon, are you okay?"

A green figure sat crouched in front of her.

"Well, she certainly doesn't _look_ akumatised. But from what I hear, she was acting like it!"

She finally stopped her whimpers and glared at Ni-NOOOPE.

"Ummm…"

Now that Marinette had successfully freaked out, she was just really, really, really, confused.

And tired of everyone's shit.

"Okay…so I'm going home, because I need a nap, and my head hurts. And I really need to wake up from whatever nightmare I'm trapped in right now."

Pulling at the arm (which was still Alya's), she stumbled up on to unsteady feet. Reaching out a hand, she braced herself against the lockers and began walking away, desperately trying to think of anything else besides the three idiots behind her.

"AKUMA!"

Where the hell was that Ladybug luck, huh!?

Five students thundered around corner, obviously running away from something. Marinette recognized Kim and Max among them. They passed with barely a glance, hollering at the top of their lungs.

The three heroes straightened up, facing the end of the corridor.

"Take Marinette away from here. I don't think she's okay right now," Tortuga directed at Alya, who looked conflicted.

Marinette instantly understood her best friend's dilemma. "I'm fine. Alya can stay here to film for her blog. I can get home on my own." Besides, she couldn't transform if Alya was hefted onto her as a babysitter. She'd just warn Alya later as Ladybug.

Though, to be honest, Marinette was highly tempted to actually go home instead of transforming to help the three pains in her ass.

But she was responsible. The _only r_ esponsible one. So she would swallow her pride, her confusion, and her utter frustration with the dunderheads in order to solve the problem. Because she was freaking Ladybug.

She smiled weakly at Alya, and raced around the corner. Finding an empty classroom, she hurriedly unclasped her bag.

"Tikki, Spots on!"

Moments later, Ladybug joined the others in the hallway, where water was slowly flooding over the school floors.

 _Time to get down to business. (And defeat the Huns…no, Ladybug, bad Ladybug…your inner Chat is showing)_

"Looks like I'm the last one to the party. What'd I miss?"

Chl–Queenie tilted her head, "Don't know actually. Seems like it's just flood right now. We heard more people earlier, but then they stopped yelling."

Ladybug looked behind her, where Alya was crouched behind a water fountain with her phone out.

"Alya, please stay back! I know you really want to document everything, but in a confined space like this, it's gonna be a dangerous one. Especially since we don't know what this akuma wants or does yet."

Alya scrunched her face up for a second, but confronted by a direct order from her hero, she really had no choice but to scurry back around the hall.

"Hey Lady, someone's coming!" Ladybug's head automatically snapped to where Nin–Tortuga (Focus! Ladybug, Focus!) was pointing to, and saw a figure turning the corner.

The akuma was a tall teenaged girl, dressed in a long red and black polka-dotted dress. Her blond hair was done in an odd mimicry of pigtails, though strands were falling out. Two black cat ears sat on top of her head. Ladybug spotted a red and black bracelet dangling from her wrist, where two charms of a ladybug and a black cat could be seen.

The creepiest part were the akuma's mascara smudged eyes. One was blue, the exact same shade as Ladybug's. The other, was an exact replica of Chat Noir's green eyes, sclera and everything.

A couple of students trailed behind her, obviously under the control of the akuma. Their eyes matched the creepy ones of the akumatised girl.

"I am the Fangirl, and I will wreak havoc until Ladynoir is CANON!" With a flourish, a pink canon literally appeared in her hand and was sent flying at them.

"You've gotta be fuc-" The rest of Ladybug's curse was lost as she ducked and rolled out of the way of the cannon, popping up next to Queenie. The canon burst into red smoke, which temporarily filled the hall before dissipating, "-kidding me."

This was stupid. Now the shipping wars between her group of friends was legitimately a Shipping War™ with a bloody akuma.

"Where is that blasted Lady M! I will show her what a true Ladybug fan thinks about her pairing!," she turned towards Ladybug with an out of place smile, "Don't worry, I won't hurt you, I'm your biggest fan of course… BUT LADYNOIR IS OTP!"

With that, the akuma started wailing, and raised her hands towards Ladybug and Chat, who had been trying to sneak up behind her. Ladybug felt a force whip her forward, and tried to fight back, but to no avail.

The akuma brought her hands together, and Chat Noir and Ladybug smashed into each other, before being tied together by a glowing red string.

With another flourish of her hands, she yelled, "Go, my stans!"

The brainwashed kids behind her started surging forward, hands outreached. In low voices, they eagerly chanted, "OTP, OTP, OTP" and "Give us your miraculous!"

Ladybug desperately wriggled herself in an attempt to loosen the string, but it didn't give. An uncomfortable cough from Chat suddenly made her realize their awkward positioning. Ladybug's face was level with his shoulder, and her cheek had been resting against his chest. Now that she was paying attention, her entire body was flush with his, chest to chest, with her left leg in between his.

Her face exploded into a red flush.

And then, as if her own brain was working against her, a tiny voice in the back of her head helpfully supplied, "Hey, this ass of a black cat is actually Adrien Agreste, how bout dah?"

She promptly stopped trying to remove the red strings. In fact, she promptly stopped moving at all.

The flush deepened.

Unluckily for her, (really what was the freaking point of being Ladybug if so much unlucky _shit_ was gonna happen to her) Fangirl caught sight of the blush seeping under the red mask.

"Hah! I told you ! They like each other! See, even Ladybug is blushing, and everyone knows that people only blush in the presence of those they like!"

Ladybug was about to call out her differing opinion, when she suddenly realized that yes, she did like this stupid, idiotic, dorky, sunshine child that happened to wear leather and cat ears in his spare time.

So did that mean she actually shipped Ladynoir now? Technically, she hadn't harbored any romantic feelings for Chat Noir, but Adrien only harbored romantic feelings for Ladybug.

So to be honest, Ladybug x Adrien was the ship that made the most sense. Adribug? Ladydrien-no-Ladrien?

But that wasn't really fair to the Marinette part of her.

Again, she seemed to forget that Marinette and Ladybug, well–they were both her. Or she was both of them?

While Ladybug was having a mini debate in her own head, Chat was busy panicking.

Here he was, literally tied to the love of his life, close enough to smell the flowery sweet scent in her hair, and all he could do was awkwardly cough. And her body, which had been pulled flush against his, stiffened.

Then, Fangirl had gone and pointed out that Ladybug (Ladybug!) had been blushing (blushing!) and he couldn't even see her face because her head had been facing away from him.

God, this day couldn't get any worse (or better, because he had never been so goddamned close to Ladybug before…this was like heaven! Except with an akuma and…you know…)

Chat struggled to keep his raging hormones in check, as he tried to bend and twist the ropes now binding the two together.

"Cataclysm!" A bubble of black destruction appeared in his hand, and he twisted his arm to try to reach the red rope.

The wave of 'stans' were coming even closer now.

Suddenly a blur of yellow flew into them, causing them to crash into the floor, with Ladybug haphazardly situated on top of him. Chat swallowed thickly.

His cataclysm had brushed onto the locker instead. Now he was down a power, had five minutes to spare, and had the love of his life literally straddling him.

"Ugh! You've gotta be kidding me, Hawkmoth, this the best akuma you can come up with?!" Queenie scoffed, translucent wings buzzing gently behind her as she floated above the toppled heroes. "I don't think I've ever been more personally offended by an akuma in my entire life. First you go and insinuate that Ladynoir is gonna actually happen, when everyone knows that QueenBug is totally trending right now, and secondly, HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT YOU'RE HER BIGGEST FAN, THAT TITLE BELONGS TO ME!"

With that, Queen Bee raised her golden staff, which glowed as she shouted, "HIVE MIND!"

Ladybug smirked as she watched Queenie literally dissolve into golden dust. About half of the particles floated at the brainwashed kids, causing them to glow yellow. The other half of the dust re-solidified into Queenie, albeit a more transparent version of her.

Ladybug freaking loved the Bee's special power. What better way to fight mind control than with mind control. It was pretty freaking cool.

At once, the glowing 'stans' all turned towards their previous controller, hands extending as they

Fangirl sobbed even harder as she began blasting her previous helpers with canons. "It's all your fault! Damn you and Lady M! Queen Bug is totally my NOTP!"

A black chain materialized in Fangirl's hand, and wrapped itself around the flying Bee. Struggling, Queenie commanded her workers to untie her, and they turned as one to begin pulling at the bonds.

Tortuga, meanwhile, had been shielding the defenseless Ladybug and Chat Noir with his green shield, hopping this way and that as he tried to protect them from the relentless amount of canons Fangirl threw their way.

"Don't worry dudes, I've got your backs covered!" But he was clearly in a bind, being the only miraculous holder who was, well–not in binds.

"I don't want to hurt you! I just want you two to love each other the way you're supposed to!" Fangirl, tearily laughed, "And then, I'll go take care of that damn Lady M! And the Ladyblogger too! I thought that she of all people would understand the hardships of being a Ladynoir shipper, but she went and enabled the homewrecker!"

 _Homewrecker's a bit intense. Chat and I aren't in any semblance of a relationship._

Ladybug took a deep breath. Okay…so Fangirl's main goals seemed to be, in this order: make Ladynoir canon, hurt Lady M, and take miraculous stones… It made Ladybug's job slightly easier when the akuma wasn't completely focused on her earrings, though she was still incapacitated by the red rope.

They needed a way out, but how were they supposed to break these unbreakable red bonds?

With a jolt, she remembered what the akuma had screamed before the appearance of the red rope. _But Ladynoir is OTP!_

If she remembered correctly, Adrien had told her the day before that OTP meant One True Pair.

Did that mean that the ropes would disappear if she made the girl's OTP canon?

Only one way to find out.

With a sigh, and rapidly reddening cheeks, Ladybug bobbed her partner's shoulder with her nose to get his attention.

"I'm gonna get us free…just don't freak out…Also, no guarantee that this is gonna work at all."

Chat bemusedly stared up at her from the floor, green eyes widening when he realized that his crush was shifting her weigh in order to be more centered on top of him.

Ladybug took a deep breath. _Okay, here goes nothing LB. It's just your partner. Besides, you've done this before…oh and by the way, he's also Adrien Agreste, the boy you've been in love with forever…just fyi…_

Squeezing her eyes shut, lest she chicken out, Ladybug leaned in to where Chat was panicking under her, and pressed her lips firmly to his.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Seconds later, she pulled away, face as red as her suit and mask. Thankfully, she felt the ropes fall away from her shoulders, and she hastily climbed off the black cat. She didn't really want to see his face right now. If she had turned around, she might've mistaken him for a red tomato, and good thing she didn't until much later, as he stayed like that for the next couple minutes, unable to help his partner in any way.

She bounded up just as Fangirl gave a screech of excitement. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED ITS CANNON I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW." Another canon went off in her happiness, and Tortuga easily deflected it as he stared wide eyed at what had just occurred between the red and black heroes.

Queenie, whose transformation was almost about to wear off, looked livid. If she hadn't currently been in chains, she most likely would've stormed up to take Chat's miraculous herself.

Ladybug squared her shoulders. Time to end this.

"LUCKY CHARM!"

She threw her yoyo in the air, and a black t-shirt landed in her arms.

Reading the front of it, she smirked.

She pulled on the shirt, and cocked her hip to the side.

"Sorry to burst your bubble Girly, but I'm afraid nothing is canon right now."

Her shirt proudly displayed the red words, _BADASS BUG WHO DON'T NEED NO HERO._ Fangirl looked extremely confused at this random turn of events, and didn't seem to know how to react.

Ladybug began stepping closer to Fangirl. "You see, you were really akumatised for no freaking reason. That Lady M who started this whole thing? Well, let's just say she doesn't give a _flying SHIT_ about the love lives of the Parisian heroes. In fact, she would greatly appreciate it if no one gave a rat's _ASS_ about her love life, because I'M REALLY FREAKING PISSED THAT THE ENTIRETY OF PARIS CAN'T STAY OUT OF MY _**FUCKING**_ BUSINESS AND TAKE A JOKE. IT WAS A T-SHIRT A FREAKING T-SHIRT NOT A DECLARATION OF WAR!"

As Ladybug really started ranting, she was close enough to the confused and astonished akuma that their noses almost touched. Eyes glowing from pure rage, frustration, and anger from the past two days caused the akuma to shrink back. Without even putting up a fight, the terrified Fangirl let Ladybug snatch her bracelet and crumple it up in a single hand.

Ladybug pulled out her yoyo, and without taking her glare off of the cowering girl, purified the purple butterfly that had tried to escape.

"Bye Bye you bitch of a Butterfly."

Ripping off the shirt, she snapped out a "Miraculous Ladybug" and turned her glare to her shocked team mates as an exhausted teenaged girl immediately fainted after being surrounded by purple bubbles. Queen Bee's workers all disappeared as the miraculous cure swept them off to whatever they had been doing previously. Now, it was just the four of them in the hallway.

"And you three! WHAT PART OF SECRET IDENTITY DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND! JESUS CHRIST IT ONLY TOOK ME TWELVE HOURS TO FIGURE OUT ALL THREE OF YOUR IDENTITIES AND YOU ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO BE A SUPERHERO WHEN YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR PATHETIC MOUTHS SHUT!"

Ladybug snarled and suddenly grabbed Tortuga by the fabric of his suit. "YOU! YOU STARTED THIS SHIT AND BOUGHT ME THE STUPID SHIRT SO REALLY IM TEMPTED TO DUMP YOU INTO THE SEINE FOR ALL THE TROUBLE AND HEADACHES THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED!"

She dropped him and poked Queenie, who was desperately looking for a place to hide as her comb began flashing to signify her time was up. "OH GIVE IT UP CHLOE, WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING TO FIND A PLACE TO HIDE WHEN YOU TRANSFORMED IN PLAIN SIGHT ANYWAY! AND ALSO, I'M MAD BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY ENCOURAGED THE QUEEN BUG SHIP AND THAT CAUSED A FREAKING AKUMA. AND I'M EVEN MADDER BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY PROVED THAT I HAVE A THING FOR BLONDES BUT ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN CAUSE WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER IN REAL LIFE"

Finally, her eyes narrowed at Chat, who had tried to back away from the tiny raging bug. He could hear his ring beeping frantically. She grabbed his collar. "This is actually all your fault, " the volume of her voice had gone down, but none of the sharpness had disappeared. "If you weren't so goddamned cute, I wouldn't have been mad that you were shipping me with you , I wouldn't have been competitive enough to let Nino freaking manipulate me into actually caring about ships, I wouldn't have started a meme that would literally escalate into an akuma and then I wouldn't have had to kiss you, for the second time, and liked it more than I did last time, and I wouldn't be doing this–" She angrily smashed her lips into his, "again, you fucker, and I wouldn't be needing a whole bottle of Advil after this day, because I have the worst headache, and really it's all your fault."

Here, Chat's transformation dropped, and Tortuga and Queenie automatically closed their eyes.

Ladybug snorted. "Please, we all know each other anyway. I'm sooooo gonna kill Fu for giving the miraculous to four people in the same class." She muttered the last part under her breath.

Adrien Agreste now nervously stood in her front of her, brain still not properly working after being kissed twice (twice!) by his crush.

"I'm so mad at you."

He made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, "What I did you to–I, mean, what did you do me to-shit, uhm…What did I do to yu-fuck it…I'm sorry?"

Ladybug punched him in the arm, which caused him to wince now that his suit was off. She was unapologetic.

"I hate you."

"Join the club, Ladybug." A blur of black floated up to greet her, "Name's Plagg. I am sincerely sorry that I am in fact the main enabler of this dork's leather and cat kinks. Really, if you want to whoop his sorry ass right now, feel free."

Adrien groaned, and made a move to snatch the smirking kwami out of the air, but he just darted out of the way.

A sparkle of gold suddenly caught their eyes, as Queen Bee's transformation dropped into that of Chloe Bourgeois, whose eyes were still tightly screwed shut.

Unfortunately for her, Adrien's eyes were not.

"Chlo?"

Her eyes snapped open. "Adrikins? The hell?"

Suddenly, an understanding dawned in her blue orbs. "Hah! I always thought that Ladybug pillow was always just a weird kink of yours to get off, but I guess-"

"–I don't have any kinks!"

"Says the kid who prances around in skintight leather."

"Shut up Plagg!"

Chloe snapped her manicured fingers. "Wait…so I've been fighting you this entire time for Ladybug's affections! That's not fair! Adri, you _always_ give me what I _want_." Her eyes narrowed dangerously at her friend.

"Wait a hot sec…"Nino's confused voice broke through the awkward tension, his eyes squeezed shut. "Chloe…Adrikins…" Slowly, he opened a singular eye, and choked on air as soon as he spotted the two blonds.

"Dude…this is messed up bro. I mean, what are the chances that three of us are in the same class."

"Four."

Tortuga glanced at Ladybug, who was exasperatedly watching them. "What was that?"

"Four of us are in the same class."

"How do you know?"

"Didn't I just make it abundantly clear that the three of you completely suck at identities…" Ladybug snarked back.

Chloe, who had been busy glaring at her _friend_ , suddenly paused to let her brain catch up with all Ladybug had said in the past ten minutes. Because Ladybug, infamously protective of her own identity, had let slip tiny tid bits in her rage.

 _In fact, she would greatly appreciate it if no one gave a rat's ASS about her love life, because_ _ **I'm really freaking pissed that the entirety of Paris can't stay out of my fucking business and take a joke.**_

 _You started this shit and bought me the_ _ **stupid shirt.**_

 _And I'm even madder because you totally proved that I have a thing for blondes._ (Okay, admittedly, that had nothing to do with Ladybug's identity but still.)

 _I wouldn't have started a_ _ **meme**_ _that would literally escalate into an akuma._

"Ladybug…are you Lady M?"

The red-spotted heroine stilled.

Chloe twitched.

Then–"Hah! Even Ladybug didn't ship you with her!" This was vindictively addressed to Adrien.

"At least I got to kiss her twice!"

Ladybug sighed. "Three times actually, but who's keeping count."

While Adrien might not have wrapped his head around what Ladybug had basically just admitted to earlier, Tortuga immediately understood.

In a flash of green, Nino was standing next to them, a green kwami resting calmly on his shoulder. "Well, shit–Mari?"

 _Mari?_ Chloe thought confusedly.

 _Mari? Lady M? Ladybug?_ Chatdrien's brain was finally catching up.

 _Time for me to do what I do best_ , thought Ladybug. _RUN!_

For the second day in a row, Ladybug turned and hightailed it out of there.

…

As two of the three untransformed heroes stared dumbfounded at her retreating back, a certain blond boy caught onto something Ladybug had mentioned earlier. Twice.

"WAIT, MY LADY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'VE KISSED BEFORE!"

* * *

 **I'm personally very proud of the crap and crack my brain has the ability to think of.**

 **Also...first time I wrote an akuma...and it was a literal joke.**

 **Let me know what you think, and I'm definitely gonna try and continue, I enjoy writing this way too much.**

 **FrozenO**


End file.
